Ask Granny advice column (RP for all)

Dear BB,

I am sorry to hear that I am getting requests that are meant for you, dearie. Shall I redirect them to ask you instead? That might take up much of our time, since there are so many that say “bb”.  I had no idea you got around that much. Obviously, any afflictions you have are not noticed, so keep on doing what you're doing, dearie.

As for your complaint…
Is it hurting you or anyone else?
It seems to be a seasonal compulsion, so you know how long the episodes will last. If no one is hurt, it seems harmless enough. If it does cause you discomfort, I can only suggest that you find some home-made, natural remedies to help with the symptoms. If it becomes unbearable, then ask a trusted friend to chain you to the bed. Despite any discomfort,  I think it also brings you great pleasure. That is what we call a 'fetish', dearie. It's no great shame to have one, I'm sure most people do. Some women like to solicit for gifts, but you solicit for votes. You may be an advocate for compulsory voting, even, and I think that you have good intentions and want the views of all people represented in the choices available to them.

It will be best for you to accept that you have a fetish, or you may even be proud of it and announce it to the world. Or go with a slogan like, “Rock the Vote!”

[img]https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRUzhgX3iStRzG2pCEYGBhsb7xClDr5byKQIoLC9_RPV6J2GeJACw[/img]

Good luck to you, dearie. And I submitted my vote, as you asked.

Love,
Granny

Dear lovely Jinger,

Ohhhhh. So he has an Angelina? Well… there's only one solution I see for this.

Get yourself a Brad!

Go down to the Jaguar dealership and find the hottest RED car that you can  (Best if you can use his finances or can take a loan.) Everyday you must say how beautiful it is and rub it with a chamois cloth as you bend over it, showing your ass cheeks falling out of short-shorts. Take it out to dinner alone. Brag about how new and shiny it is, while joking that you are such a Cougar.  I suggest this one:

The 2015 Jaguar F-Type Coupe

Drool at its apple-colored rear end.

Alternately, if you can't afford a Jaguar, then buy a real fixer-upper that requires a lot of your time, money, and visits from the young mechanic at Goodyear, Fernando.

He didn't want to get his clothes dirty.

Good luck and tell me how it turns out, dearie.

Love,
Granny

Sir Galavant,

You do sound like quite the knight in shining armor, rescuing damsels from dragons and kings. If you are looking for something that is not in your area, you must travel outside of your comfort zone.

Go on a hero's journey! A quest for a Queen.

First, get yourself a sidekick, or in modern terms they call it a wingman. Make sure he is smaller than you and dorky. You might lose him along the way though.
[img]http://thebacklot.mtvnimages.com/uploads/2015/01/galavant-102-jsasse.jpg?quality=0.7[/img]

Second, make sure you have a sweet ride.
Either this,

or this

Third, get a map, close your eyes and let your finger land on a spot to let fate decide where you shall travel to. Try this one:

So, good luck on the beginning of your journey. When you arrive and find a Queen, write me again and I'll advise on seduction.

Love,
Granny

p.s. I hear that enchanted apples are best, if you find one.

Dear Foxy Dearie,

Thank you for the warm welcome.

I think it is TRUE. But of course, it is a generalization, there are always exceptions to the rule.

Let me show you how the space in a male's mind is occupied:

You can see that there is simply not room for much else., because as studies have shown, the male usually has a fragile ego and must be fed constantly.

Now, whereas, a woman has her own insecurities, but also prioritizes her numerous duties.

I hope this helps you to visualize the maze of the human minds.

Love,
Granny

p.s. I suspect shemales would be somewhere in between but we will need to have them comment on it.

Dear BlueDenim Butt,

Yes, this is addressed to the butt. You know, the one that I am staring at in the picture under your letter. The one that enjoys the spanks. The one that makes the waist bend in order to show off all its assets. You.

Stop teasing us with those luscious cheeks!

But I hate blaming the woman for the problem, so let us look at this epidemic in general.

Anal Intercourse

Back in my day, this was a hush-hush subject that was only shown in Greek porn and amongst poor shepherd boys. Nowadays, all manner of persons are hoping for it. I have done much research on this and gathered some findings of possible explanations for this epidemic.

1. It's a trend.  I'd like to assure you that this trend too, shall pass, but if it does, something worse will replace it.

Ridiculous Male Trends of the Past:
Blond Highlights                              The Man Purse                               Sparkling Vampires
       

2. Men who wish for it are subconsciously gay

3. Men always want what they can't have. They like the challenge. They want to pursue. They want to ask you, but they don't want you to give it away, they must earn the right for it, so they can feel a sense of accomplishment and control over your submissive blue denim ass.
Except this guy. He got what he wanted.

4. As our current Lyricist Laureate, Taylor Swift, opines, “Boys only want love when its torture.” This doesn't specify who is feeling the torture or how its done. Maybe the boy is tortured by your sweet cheeks. Maybe you are tortured by the pain because he didn't take months to prepare you for his intended actions. Maybe both. Who is to say? Hear the riff: https://www.riffsy.com/view/sriff/3571262.riff

Now that we've examined the possible reasonings and motivations for the requests, I hope you can make a well-informed decision, dearie.

Love,
Granny