Thank you all …you are all very kind … So let me tell you a little more about myself …As the eldest girl of 7 siblings I didnt always have it easy but I learnt early to protect my siblings and try to show guidance where I could … My mum had lost her way a little and she was a heavy drinker and also very abusive and violent … however my mum had her own demons and was also battling with mental health issues … Sadly my mum passed away in 2010 but we had built bridges by this time and the abuse was forgiven and I wrote a couple of poems …1 ) to Highlight the effects and stigma of mental health from my mums perspective … and 2 ) to help my siblings to come to terms with the sudden loss of our mum … I hope you enjoy these poems and take from it what was intended … With Kind Thoughts to you all …. Amethyst ….
Mental Health by Amethyst
When people look at me .. what is it that they see?
The image of a stigma that sticks with people like me?
I once used to laugh, and write my poetry all day long
i'd dance around the sitting room and sing my favourite song
But right now I don't feel that way , my mind just draws a blank
the trauma of losing my son and husband, took away my thinking tank
I don't know how to laugh or cry , I feel numb and dead inside
emotions leave me bleeding dry, yet the tears I still cant hide
I cant make sense of the tv, or what people try to say
I don't want to be a burden , why do I feel this way?
I don't feel no emotion, this kills me deep inside
I cant bond with little Harvey, yet I feel a sense of a pride
No-one understands me , I feel I'm all alone
I try to express how I'm feeling , each day, over the phone
Kirsty & Clare take me out for meals, to make my day pass by
But I cannot get to grips with this, and again I break and cry
I want to be just like you and have dreams I can remember
but my head is no longer working , instead its a burning ember
the medication that they give me, comes with promises of 'you'll be fine'
I know Ive heard this before , if not a thousand times…
remember when you look at me I was once alive like you
and instead of seeing a stigma , open your eyes and see the truth ..
I hope one day I will be well and my thoughts will again return
to the days when I can wake again without feeling this painful yearn
I long to love my kids again and buzz with pure delight
but for now I'll keep on trying .. and beg god, hears my desperate plight ..
A Mothers Message
Sat upon a hillside , over looking lakes of blue
When in my mind I captured a smile , An Image that was you ,
The stress and pain had left your face, now smiling, you were free,
You whispered 'Michelle I have a message. please pass it on for me '
Please tell Toni I'll always love her , I'm never far away
to know I'm everywhere , around her children as they play
let her know when they smile at her , that I am smiling too
and maybe she will someday, just see my smile come through
Tell her to be brave , tell her to be strong
because I'm always with her, willing her to go on
I know that she can do this and sometimes life can be so tough
but with you all around her she is safe with sibling love
Tell her not to grieve for me , tell her I'm not in pain
Tell her I am free to fly and with her dad again
Tell her she is in our hearts and we watch over her with love
Tell her if she misses us to watch the stars above
For among the stars we have a place , that watches over you
Please also tell the others they have a message too
Please tell Ricky I love him, with every inch of my heart
and tell him , I often sit by him , and also watch him from afar
I see his love for Katy and that makes me feel so proud
He was my Inspiration, A sliver lining in my cloud
Tell him not to get upset or angry at my passing
because my love for him will not fade , its a love that's ever lasting
Tell him not to blame himself, as some of my children do
but to think of me now happy, my spirit pure and true
I have to thank you Michelle for passing on my words, it means so much to me
I have to let All of my children know , that where I am, I'm free
free from all the pain, the woes that my life did show
A message of a mothers love , I want for you to know
Please Tell Kirsty not to cry , it hurts my heart to see
that she often feels so alone, and often thinks of me
I know how much she misses me, and sometimes feels she can't go on
but Kirsty doesn't realise it was her that made ME strong
The passion in her heart , her determination too
Is what often made me chuckle , her fiesty spirit that shone through
As all of my children are , She is a credit to be mine
to watch her smile sometimes , is what makes me brightly shine
I know that she will read this and feel a warm glow inside her heart
tell her that I am near her , we are never far apart,
Please continue with my message , my work is not yet done
I have a love for you all , for each and everyone
Clare also needs to know, that I'm watching over her
And I see a heart so big , a heart with love and care
She punishes herself , deep down inside that others just dont see
yet she is such a blessing , A treasure given to me
Tell her not to waste her tears, on crying over me
Tell her I am happy , as happy as can be
I know she finds it difficult , for I am not in view
but I am right beside her , my love for her so true
Maybe when she reads this, she will know that I'm close by
giving her my message of love , I'll allow her one last cry
For when she smiles so brightly , she lightens any room
And I want to see her happy , not filled with tears of gloom
My Children are so beautiful , they are everything to me
I had to share my message , had to make you all just see
you didn't think I'd just go did you ? isn't that just absurd ?
I couldn't leave you all , without ME having the last word !
So Carl this brings me to you , my first born Baby boy
your bright read hair , your freckled face , but such a mothers Joy
Somewhere in the dark, I seemed to lose my way
But my love for you was always there, I just found it hard to say
So now I bring you this message, to let you know I'm here
And my love just kept on growing, with the passing of each year
I know you found it difficult , when my passing finally came
But I'm safe here with your Grandad, and we often speak your name
I have to tell you of course , you always had my brains
your hidden strength and inner love , the things you tried to explain
we were both often misunderstood, we found things hard to say
but it wasn't us , it was the others , they just didn't get our way
So now as my message closes , I want for you to know
That I am always with you , wherever you may go
I hope that life brings you happiness and my love you'll carry near
because i'm right beside you , you will never have to fear
With one last look she kissed my head, and said 'I want for you to know'
passing on my message, is the benefit you will sow
of knowing you have passed on my words, to the siblings you adore
that they will understand these words , because you always seem to know.
Michelle when times were hard , you filled my heart with pride
together we faced the storms and came out the other side
There is no other person, I would want to pass my message on
You have it all , its right inside , just didn't get, to sing your song
Know I'm right beside you , just look inside your heart
We were never really ever, going to be that far apart
You carry my heart inside your soul, as my message finally breaks through
A Mothers Love passed on , through the words you write so true
And as her mouth kissed my forehead , she vanished out of sight
but I'll never forget her loving smile she bestowed onto me that night
So passing on this message I want for you to know , she never really
left us , she's in everything we know
She's in our childrens laughter , she's around us when we are down
she is only a thought away , a smile to take the frown
the soft wind that passes us by , a kiss within a breeze
the gentle brush of a loving hand , felt across the knee's
So smile my priceless jewels and share love wherever you go
cherish your precious children as you watch them bloom and grow
And as they spread their wings , you will know your job is done
And you'll find love all around , that forever will live on .
..love to you all xxx
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