Ask Granny advice column (RP for all)

[anniethyme]

Dear Jay-Z,

OMG! That topic keeps me up at night too! “Twinsies!”, as my granddaughters say.
Astrophysics/Cosmology makes my panties wet. Thanks for the questions.

So, for the uninformed, let's discuss this theory.

Definition:
“Cosmic inflation is the idea that the very early universe went through a period of accelerated, exponential expansion during the first 10-35 of a second before settling down to the more sedate rate of expansion we are still experiencing, so that all of the observable universe originated in a small (indeed, microscopic) causally-connected region. Although the universe has been expanding since the initial Big Bang, inflation refers to the hypothesis that, for a very short time, the universe expanded at a sharply INCREASING rate, rather than at the decreasing rate it followed before inflation and has followed since.” … “The theory of cosmic inflation, then, supports the scenario in which our universe is just one among many parallel universes in a multiverse.” http://www.physicsoftheuniverse.com/topics_bigbang_inflation.html

Your questions:

1. Is the theory of cosmic inflation correct?
A: Given the existence of AChat, I would agree with this scenario. There has to be many universes out there. How else could one explain bell-bottom jeans, haggis, and Miley Cyrus? I believe there's something out there.

Haggis: It is an alien egg from another universe

2.  if so, what are the details of this epoch?
A: Well, one way that we have found information to try to prove this theory is by launching probes in 1992 and 2003. Some scientist “groups” recently discovered “gravitational waves” among the “background radiation”, thus giving some evidence. Others prefer to work “alone” to find the answers.

To quote the sexiest physicist alive, Brian Cox:
“The cool thing is that the other class of these theories … which many scientists believe are natural extensions, are theories called eternal inflation. These theories would have it that the inflation never stops globally, so it stops in patches. The way it stops is you get a big bang and then you get a universe. So this means there is an infinite amount of universes with an exponentially large amount of universes being created all the time and this is why it’s called eternal inflation. It never stops. So this means you get a multiverse of universes growing unimaginably fast all the time with new universes being created all the time. In eternal model universes, these universes are so far away from ours that we cannot ever get to them. You have no chance of ever contacting or observing them.”

3. What is the hypothetical inflation field giving rise to inflation?
A: Well, let me use this analogy for the simple/dirty-minded. Much like your mind feels excitement and impulses spark to make the blood flow into your penis from veins, thus “inflating” it to expand into empty space where no penis matter had been, thus is akin to this inflation field. When this can no longer happen naturally, technology can take its place with implants, hoses and machines. Thus, there must exist some cosmic matter, the “field”, that acts as veins or hoses. Scientists think it is “dark energy”.
   

4. If inflation happened at one point, is it self-sustaining through inflation of quantum-mechanical fluctuations, and thus ongoing in some extremely distant place?
A: Only if you take a little blue pill, but it can be dangerous if it lasts for more than 4 millennium. However, given the possible “wormholes” of folding space, I'm sure it is always 5'oclock somewhere, in some extremely distant place.

Q.E.D.

Granny Annie, Ph.D, Astrophysics and Cosmetology

[anniethyme]

Dear Mrs. Stone,

It sounds to me, dearie, like you got one of them, GOOD PROBLEMS, as we call it.

Oh, if only I could find me a man to discuss the cause and effects of quantum field theory while en flagrante delecto.  But I digress… this is about you and your lover.

So…. you are ok with calling him Bertie… ok. I think it's wonderful that you are so tolerant of your partner's desires. So nice.

He screams E=MC hardddddd. That's problem #1. It's supposed to be E=MC ^2, so perhaps you are supposed to yell back “Squared” after he does his part. Maybe this is why he's unable to answer any cosmic questions. He is saying this at the height of his use of his energy, and its dependent on the sum of the mass of your 2 bodies, multiplied by the speed, then squared. So, I think he wants you to go faster, dearie.

Third, I am trying to figure out why you are doing it in a parking lot in the woods. And who is watching? I'm not sure I can advise your further on this til I understand the scenario better.

That's some kinky shit, girl. I think that's your real problem.

Love,
Granny

[FoxyRoxxy]

Drear Granny I saw this photo and I think you  two look alike  are you and
Einstein related

keep up the good work I see you are a hit  here  do you have time to date      

I am  big  fan of yours  I even made my love a shirt of you to supported you.

[Lover]

Dear anniethyme,
thanks for helping us so much with all your wisdom, knowledge and intelligence. Now I also have a question:
I love doing sports. Running and body workout. Whenever I do this, I get horny and have to shag my girl asap. Can't get enough of this too. When I did this, I'm completely exhausted – but also so full of emotions, that I have to do sports again. I feel like being in a circle… you can imagine how I feel and what I need. How can I get out of this, but also keep both?

[anniethyme]

Dear Lover,

Oh the feels! Sometimes they can be overwhelming, I know. I've had more than my share, sonny boy.

You ARE in a circle: Exercise –> Horny –> Sex –> Exhaustion –> The Feels –> Desire to lose the burden –> Exercise …

Granny's circle:  Eat bran muffins –> Shit –> Feel empty inside –> Eat donuts –> Shit …

Famous Circles of Life:

Native American:

This one is akin to yours, but you seem to be missing the connection to the spirit Values. I am sure it is there, you just need to be made aware of it.

Plants/Animals/Food:

Yes, we eat dog poo.

The Lion King:

It's the Ciiiiiiiiiircle of Liiiiiiiiiiife, and it moves us aaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllll, through despair and hooooooooppppe, through faith and loooooooove

Simple solutions

You don’t have to give up exercising to preserve your sexual sanity. In fact, you can break the vicious cycle of exercising and sexual addiction by taking a few simple precautions.

• Don’t use a penis with a long narrow shaft. Pick a wide butt, ideally with plenty of padding. Special gel-filled and shock-absorbing butt implants are even available.
• Don’t tilt your penis upward, a position that increases pressure on the perineum.
• Be sure your penis is at the correct height, so your legs aren’t completely extended at the bottom of your missionary stroke.
• For extra protection, consider wearing padded yoga pants.
• Shift your position and take breaks during long rides.
• Above all, be alert for early warning symptoms. If you experience tingling or numbness in your “privates”, get off your partner.
• If the problem recurs even with a broad, padded, well-positioned partner, consider switching to a recumbent sexdoll.

[/list]

Perhaps the best advice is to make sexual activity part of a balanced fitness program instead of relying on it exclusively. Alternate running with sucking, dogging and heavy petting. Climb off your stationary partner and get on a treadmill, swing, or rowing machine.

Exercising a few simple precautions will ensure that your passion for exercise doesn’t interfere with your passion in the bedroom.

Love,
Granny

p.s. Nice shirt you have on.

[anniethyme]

Dear Foxy,

Thank you, dearie. I just love that you made a shirt to show your support of me, I just wish it had been a picture of me when I was wearing a bra. The girls need a bit more support than they used to.

I am not related to Albert, but I did go to the same hairstylist as him, which is how we met, and well, let's just say that I inspired his paper “On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies” after one hot summer night in Antwerp.

I do have time to date, but only after my duties are done. I was supposed to have a nice dinner date last night with my new gentleman caller, but we began by hot kissing and forgot about the dinner food as we ate each other instead. And oh, I have said too much.

Well, thank you so much dearie.

Love,
Granny

[anniethyme]

Dear Cherry,

Q: Why do some guys think it’s OK to force your head while you’re giving them head?
A: Clearly, because you have not bitten down yet.

Q: Why do guys feel threatened by vibrators, but no woman is intimidated by a flesh light?
A: Men realize, deep down, that we are sick of their shit and they fear being replaced. Their dick is the only thing that we don't have biologically, and now we have it mechanically. A Friday night date with a man can be replaced with a good book, a nice chianti, box of chocolates and a dildo. We don't fear being replaced, because most men cannot afford a sexdoll yet, and it can't make them sammiches.
[img]https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSiK6fn3dyGhNwh_S04AZzlDE7xWX1Fp-POYRdH5NU3OIGLcPpx[/img]

Q: Is to much masturbation bad for you?
A: Only if you ever hope to please a partner in bed.

Q: Why do women care about penis size when about 75 percent only get off from clitoral stimulation?
A: I don't know where you see that women care about it. I just read 4 sites of hundreds of opinions, and most prefer average. They mostly dislike when its extremely big or small. I dated a Greek man with a small wiener, long ago, and not only did I not feel him go in, but then he didn't even stimulate clitorally or try cunnilingus. Tnat's when we care.

Q: I fantasize about my frineds husband. I feel guilty but I cant stop this craving I have for him. what should I do. I would not hurt my friend ?
A: They say every person has a “twin” out there, so you need to find his. Also, stop being friends with them.

Evil Spock is even sexier!

Love,
Granny

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn't you look at me during?

[anniethyme]

Sorry, dearie.

I was busy taking selfies. We are just so darn hot together.  I had to prove it to the girls in the Bridge club.

Love,
Granny

[jingerbird]

Dear Granny,

I am once again in need of your help. I went and bought a sports car (the sales man was lovely ). Every time I want to go out for a drive or just to polish Brad's exhaust, my lover ties me to the cross he has recently built.

I love a good spanking as much as the next fallen angel but a girl needs to buy shoes or boots (depending on your lover's fetish when tied to his cross).

Please help Granny. It's supposed to be 50 shades of Grey not black and blue.

Awaiting your advice whilst rubbing liniment into my tender cheeks.
Jinger z

[anniethyme]

Dear Jinger,

So, you are the hussy mentioned in Tango's letter?

Oh dear, this is not what granny intended at all.

But if I am reading this correctly, you have 2 complaints:
1. need to buy shoes and boots
A: What? You don't have enough already? That's why god created Mail-Order, dearie.

I saved this mail order catalogue from my days as a young lady. Prices still good!

2. black and blue
A: That girl in 50 shades was indeed black and blue after being in the red room. Didn't you read it all like I did?
[img]http://content-img.newsinc.com/jpg/396/26448370/14045798.jpg?t=1406196540[/img]

Now, let's get to the real problem…
Is he spending more time on you than his Angelina?

If so, at least that problem was solved.

In the meantime, I'll order some pizza delivery to you.

Love,
Granny

[Marilyn]

OT (Off topic): Oh … my… goodness!     
I couldn't stop laughing here while reading your thread and posts. Thank you for that! Welcome, Granny! I'll be reading your posts for sure.

OT 2 (On topic… weird that OT works for both On Topic and Off Topic): Do you answer to questions related to ideas for clothing designing (Achat's)?  :

Marilyn

[Marilyn]

Ok so I couldn't hold myself any longer. Awaiting for your reply regarding my possible questions about clothing ideas for Achat, I'd like to ask you this.

– Which one should I wear tonight for a party? I need strong arguments because I might have made my mind already… I really love one of those more than the others.

Option A:

Option B:

Option C:

– Do you think that the chosen outfit would be a great addition to Achat as a new design?

Thank you in advance,
Marilyn

PS: Please Granny reply asap as the party starts early today and I don't want to get late and I'd be totally lost without your wise feedback on this matter. I don't want everyone laughing at me if I get in the party with the wrong outfit. So please hurry up and save me!

[anniethyme]

Dear Ms. Monroe,

Of course I give fashion advice. I've seen every trend come and go since the gay 20's. What is lacking is the details of your question:
What type of party? And what's your body type?

Speaking of trends,
Option A is very trendy right now, tho this one is a more avante garde version and the color of a tangerine. This is a good option if you have a few lumps to hide, but a bit of cleavage to show. But it seems more “bedroom robe” than “party dress” to me, unless the theme is Spanish Flamenco.

Option B is a modern take on a retro Charo look, taken up to the capri length, but with just enough gauche to scream “I'm a cheap whore for rich cock” which is a definite winner for any type of party.

Option C is only an option if the party is “Bi-curious Japanese schoolboy manga” themed. Or, if its an accordion players fetish convention. Is that a Thom Browne design?

I'd say the best bet for an achat design is Option B.

Love,
Granny

[anniethyme]

New commercial where a girl talks about her car, Brad

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxd49IRu02E

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