Ask Granny advice column (RP for all)

[anniethyme]

Dear JayC Penny,

You caught me. I'll fess up to it.

It was what you younguns would call a pot party. It began with a dozen live chickens – Alice killed em, Vincent plucked em, and Sanders fried em.
Imagine a mixture of weed, fried chicken and a bit of naughtiness while watching the House on Haunted Hill.

Granny

…

Woody,

Yes, exactly. Why would I get back here when there are no questions?

Granny

[FoxyRoxxy]

welcome back Granny

we missed you 

yes  no questions  but you can still give us  advice on any think

I just love to read what you have to say  you are awesome

[jingerbird]

Hi Granny,
Please help me again, I don't know what to do. My boyfriend has now decided that he prefers my car, Brad, to his own car, Angelina.

Angelina and I are worried that this is the way of the future for him and we will be both left stranded with out our love.

Help us Granny. Please help us. We don't know what to do, or how to win him back. That car of mine is way too sexy.

Gratefully Jinger 

[anniethyme]

Dear Jingy,

Win him back? Brad or your man? It's not a fight, dearie. And if he's this mercurial, he does not sound like a prize I'd want. Then again, this is the downside of Brad being too sexy, but who knew that your man would switch sides, as they say.

A question to consider: Does Brad prefer your man? If so, just throw in the towel now. If not, we have options:

1. Go for Angelina. Seeing if your man will notice this is a good test for his… preclusions. And she could probably use a woman's touch.

2. Take Brad to visit the mechanic. It would be a shame if some of Brad's parts aren't working right, or he breaks down often, iykwim.

3. Trade-in Brad for a newer/older model. Yes, its unfortunate, but boys like Brad are only meant for a fling, rarely long lasting. I'm guessing your man would never touch this one:

Good luck dearie, keep me updated.

Love
Granny

[FoxyRoxxy]

Hi Granny

tell me  what to do when you cant stand  the father of your  kid 

not even to talk to him

because he was a cheating bastard  LOSER

dead beat  is never there for here when she needs  him  but is still  tacking the said of  his co cheating – hag

but my kid thinks his some kind of super guy
and I am keeping them apart..

the hag thinks I might want him back 
Omg thats so gross to even think I would take a crap  back after she had him…

so tell me what  do I do to  control my  anger

and  tell my kid the  I dont want him back over and over

and his a  Shit head that I cant stand hiim with all my hate is  for him…

but I do like all his family 

Enraged 
Foxy Roxy

PS.
hey  can you tell me what I can do to to that hag …
and look like a lady  still  :

[anniethyme]

Dear Foxy,

I feel your pain. I have been in your shoes, and now you have to put up with the stink I left in them.

But take heart, all is not lost:

1. Don't talk to him. Write letters. Put them in the mailbox, it will take 2 days til it reaches his address, and 2 days til he can reply to you.
Snail Mail:

2. Don't need him anymore. Get yourself any/all of the following:
and and and and

3. For the hag, I would recommend voodoo dolls, but I used that dark magik on my neighbor once, and he died of a heart attack a few months later. So… just ignore her.

4. To release your anger:

if that does not work, then join the Dark Side:

Hope some of this works!

Love,
Granny

[anniethyme]

Hey Haggy Boy,

I found this ad for an item you may want to buy on email. For those parties you go to.
http://mashable.com/2015/06/18/dildo-game-of-thrones-ebay/

Hope you win!

Granny

[FoxyRoxxy]

Dear Annie

I need some real help  what do you  do

if you are driving on the Hwy / road and you  get a flat tire

I dont know what to do  for reals  😮

[Anonymous]

one of my testicles hangs lower than the other, is that normal?

[FoxyRoxxy]

Dear Annie

same question but  why do some  boob why is one biger then the other 

Annnieeeeeeeeeeeeeee

where are you !

[FoxyRoxxy]

Dear Granny

Last night I had pizza before going to bed. I have nightmares when I eat late
so  I wake up and cant sleep now , I had this Nopal plant giving me life wisdom
on life and his  floating on water, following me wherever I go so  had to get up

I will not stop eating pizza  late !

But can you tell me the meaning  of this dream please

I have not seen you in some time  I hope you are ok  and come say hi 

[anniethyme]

Dear TG and Foxxy,

This is common. Not only does the internet say so, but Megan Trainor too.

I see the magazines working that Photoshop
We know that shit ain't real
Come on now, make it stop
If you got beauty beauty just raise 'em up
'Cause every inch of you is perfect
From the bottom to the top

And if you're still worried… look on the bright side… your partner will have two sizes to choose from, or enjoy both!

Love,
Granny

[anniethyme]

Dear Foxy,

Thanks for your concern, dearie. Granny also has weird dreams when she eats or has sugar right before bed, but hers involve George Hamilton dressed up like an extra crispy Colonel Sanders and feeding her purple chicken legs by hand in the middle of a turkish bath.

[img]http://l2.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/snnMBEv3uQrtBCDAQA9qSQ–/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3NfbGVnbztxPTg1O3c9NDUx/http://media.zenfs.com/en/homerun/feed_manager_auto_publish_494/d6791f8dd704c5f65527b81fb233efd1[/img]
A hunk-a burning chicken love!

Anyhoo,
Some boys I know had a similar dream from eating desert desserts. Maybe their journey will inspire you to figure out your own:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKYUz7kx3jA

Good luck!
Granny

p.s.
…
(Dream spoiler below)
…
…
basically, you want to have sex with Rob Zombie.
…
…
Enjoy!

[FoxyRoxxy]

Omg

Dear Granny so nice to see you still around  ..
for a for a mint I thought you crooked and passed on

As I see you have resurrected and came back to us on Achat

so Glad  are you back and yes  can see you having hot steamy  dreams of  George Hamilton 

[anniethyme]

Guess who's back?

Guess who's back, back again
Granny's back, tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back, guess who's back?
Guess who's back?

Nah nah Ah.

Everybody only wants to discuss me
So this must mean I'm disgusting
But it's just me I'm just obscene
Cuz it's been so empty without me.

So…

throw me your questions, biches!

[Author]

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