Janine’s Dungeon

[sinnnn]

This is how I see it, someone else might see it differently.

I always believe that the submissives really have all the “power/contol” in the bdsm. The submissive is actually teaching me about him/herself.  Together we are exploring our limitations, what we like, don't like and what we can handle. If you don't listen to your subs needs, then your not a Dom but a bully.  Before you can be a Dom, you have to learn to control yourself.  To understand what you truly want, to understand your limitations.  Subs are like pets, you listen to your pets needs, you find out what they like and don't like.  If something is harming your pet or making them afraid you find the cause and make it stop. 
  I also learned that bdsm has levels.  When some think of bdsm they immediatly think of restaints, whips, humiliation, the extreme.  Again bdsm has levels.  You can be a Dominant and never had tied someone up in your entire life.  So when you think of bdsm, its not always about force, bulling or the extreme.  Myself, I listen to my submissive and I follow their lead(like I said they have the power).  For example:  I have a sub who likes to be humiliated, another(guy) who likes to be humiliated, tied and strap-on, and another one who likes to be Dom gently(forceful) but gently.
The submissive is actually teaching me about him/herself.  Together we are exploring our limitations, what we like, don't like and what we can handle. 

[Janine Dee]

I agree completely. Where I was going with my argument is that the submissive needs to remember they should be as active and important part of the scene as the Dominant.

Yet I have heard submissives state that they figure they just need to submit and Mistress/Master will take care of the rest.

And since AChat's format is so geared towards that kind of communication it seemed like a good topic to start with.

[sinnnn]

Oh I understood where you was goin with it.

As far as I'm concerned submissive doesn't mean stupid.  If you think a dom can read minds an KNOW what you want, then you shouldn't be a submissive.  Because that will just make you a victim when you run into the wrg type of Dom.

[Janine Dee]

*sigh* All too true, and yet I remember my jaw dropping when what I had thought was a fairly intelligent submissive tell me how she met a Dom, and let him take her to his place on their first meeting. Didn't call anyone to tell them where she was going or anything.

So Janine's Safety Tip #1. Always have your first meeting in a public place. Many BDSM communities have what are called “munches” where you have groups of people who are all in the Lifestyle. They are great because it can be nice to have a group of people who all have their own kinks and fetishes, but they are also a place where you can meet a new Dominant/submissive.

If that's not an option for you it still needs to be somewhere public. Sure they may have seemed wonderful online, but some of the most skilled predators often are. The horror story I heard from my Mentor was of a woman she knew who followed a guy she met online to a hotel, and after she let him tie her up he raped her, for hours, and so violently she suffered permanent physical damage (colostomy bag).

Safety Tip #2. Let someone know where you are going. While the submissive I mentioned up top managed to come out okay, the horror story I mentioned obviously didn't. You don't necessarily need to use words like Dom and sub when setting this up with a friend since in this day and age people meet on the net all the time. Just let them know where you are going, and do not change from that plan. Preferably at all  since someone could give wrong addresses and the like, but at least call with any changes.

A subsection of that is the safety call. Set up sometime with the person who knows where you are going to call you. You say one thing they know you are all right, you say another they know to call the cops and have your last known location to give them.

It may seem paranoid, but it does happen, so don't let it happen to you, because those who are worth your time will be understanding of those safety measures. Those who aren't are those you should be worried about.

[sinnnn]

Its sad when you have to tell ppl something that should have been knocked into their heads as a child.  My survival instincts is beyond the normal limits of  humans, no one had to tell me that.  Its instinct.  Being a sub does not mean make yourself a victim.  Safety first, your safety. 

I really don't have to say much, Janine as always said it perfectly.  One reason why I never wanted to be a teacher, don't have the patience.

[Lover]

Janine, everything is right. You also said one sentence that is basically important for all dates with people you know from the internet:

Sure they may have seemed wonderful online, but some of the most skilled predators often are.

[Janine Dee]

It translates well. The problem is that the skilled predators are quite good at convincing you to lower that guard “Just this once”, and doing so in a way that will make you feel bad for telling them no.

For me however I consider it a sign I'm dealing with someone worth my time. When I think of the qualities I look for in a submissive I want to her value her gift of submission. To see herself as a gift that I earn as I earn her trust. If I don't have to “earn” her trust she goes from a  treasure to those door prizes everyone gets.

I want her to want me, not just want someone to knows how to swing a flogger.

[sinnnn]

A Master's Creed
~ The Dominants Creed ~
* Above all else a Dom cherishes Their submissive, in the knowledge that the gift
the submissive gives Them is the greatest gift of all.
* A Dom is demanding and takes full advantage of the power given to Them, but knows
how to share the pleasure that comes from that precious gift.
* A Dom is in control of Themself first and foremost, so that They may control others.
* As a stern and demanding Dom, They can cause Their submissive to cry real tears.
* As the consummate lover, They will then kiss the tears away, without stepping out of character.
* In times of trouble, a Dom will leave the roles behind, to be a supportive friend and partner, never
forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two caring individuals.
* A Dom is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality.
* A Dom would never ask a submissive to put Them before their career, or family,
just to satisfy Their own pleasure.
* To win a submissive's mind, body, spirit, soul, and love, a Dom knows They must
first win their trust.
* A Dom will show Their submissive humour, kindness, and warmth.
* A Dom must always show them that Their guidance and tutoring is deserving of their
attention, that this is a person they can learn from, and that they can trust Their direction.
* A Dom is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, They
will fight for Their submissive's honour.
* A Dom proves to their submissive that They are someone they can lean on, and
depend on.
* When it comes time to teach Their submissive their lessons of obedience, They are a
strong and unyielding professor.
* A Dom will accept no flaw. Nothing less than perfection from Their student.
* Never does a Dom use discipline without a good reason. When they do punish Their
submissive, it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand.
* A Dom is always open to communication and discussion; always ready to hear Their
submissive's wants and needs.
* A Dom is patient; taking time to learn Their submissive's limits, and knowing that as
their trust of Them grows, so will they.
* A Dom never has to demand ritual behavior from Their submissive. Their submissive
responds to Them out of the want of pleasing them. Compliance comes from the wanting
to please, not the fear of punishment.
* A Dom understands the fragile nature of mind and body and never violates the trust given to Them.
* A Dom is secure enough to laugh at Themself and the absurdities of life. Open minded
enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow.
* A Dom's tools are mind, body, spirit, soul, and love.
* A Dom understands that E/each partner gains most from pleasuring the O/other.
* And B/both of T/them know that love and trust are the only bindings that truly hold.

[Anonymous]

Sinnn, that was beautiful and I feel applies to many facets of our lives, not just this…

[Janine Dee]

I know that the characteristics that mark me as a Domme were natural parts of my personality before I ever knew what a “Dominant” was. I had them even before I came out of the closet. So for me expressing my Dominance is simply expressing my innermost traits. So much of it is simply inner qualities being codified and set down so those who come later can benefit from those earlier works.

When one starts codes and credos are essential. Domination can be an amazing rush, and in the haze of that rush it's easy to loose oneself, but as you go, and as you grow… well the best way I can put it is that while Sinnnn's post of the Master's Creed was beautiful it was also sort of a “Well Duh” moment to me.

Each statement was true, yet not something I really need to think about.

For me it boils down to responsibility. It's not a very popular word these days, but it is at the heart of what Dominant's do. Responsibility for themselves,and for those who put themselves in the Dominant's care.

All the tools and toys are just that. They are no more the purpose of BDSM then a car is a destination.

[Ironman33]

All you can do is reply to me so I can bring you along as you must do. If you want to be part of this, then you must cinsider what I have to offer, which is leadership in the undiscovered territories of your pleasure. Don't be afraid. Talk to me.

[Janine Dee]

Ironman dear, I would suggest that you start by introducing yourself. Maybe telling a little about what you feel dominance is, or what you are looking for in a submissive before you actually start promising submission. One of the more valuable lessons I've had as a Domme is that I can be a perfectly fine Dominant and a girl can be a perfectly fine submissive (or a boy, but not in my case) and we still may be incompatible. There's no fault, or blame, just a natural part of the communication essential in BDSM.

[sinnnn]

Now you know why I put that Creed up.  Somethings come natural to us few gifted ppl and others need a guide.  They tend to thinking Domming someone means being a bully, pain, lame as orders and a cool leather outfit.

[Janine Dee]

Now Love, I like to give some benefit of the doubt. That's why I first like to reach out to teach, so I can give them a chance to learn how to fully embrace, and enjoy Dominance.

[Jay98980]

Hello there Janine and Sinnnn.
Firstly thankyou Janine for a great thread pity it's not being utilised by many people but i guess that's because they're only after the sex side of a D/s relationship and while Achat does seem more geared towards that with a little bit of imagination it can be alot more.
Second Sinnnn your Master's Creed post was awesome and something I hadn't ever really thought about but after reading it i agreed with every statement without having to think about it.

Ok to introduce myself names Jay (lol) am new to the scene and have found that I have natural ability for Dom and was lucky enough to find my precious who saw that ability and nurtured it.
A few thoughts on my perception of a D/s relationship. Just because someone has the ability to command doesn't mean a thing if it's not controlled properly  and as sinnnn said in one of her posts it's really the sub who is in control by the simple fact of trusting you enough to give you that control. It's a huge responsibility and is something that should be cherished above all else. For someone to want to commit themselves to you to that degree takes alot of trust and love and is not something to be squandered or used lightly as it's a precious gift like no other. The public perception is that its all whips and chains and fear (i know that's what i thought) the reality I have found is that it's probably the most loving relationship you can have and the most rewarding for all concerned nothing else compares really.
Learning what it takes to truly be a dom is an exceptional journey one that i have only just taken my first few steps on and to be honest one that even in cyber world should be taken as seriously as if it was real life. Hmmm not sure I've said that quite right but i hope you get my meaning.
Looking forward to further posts here

[Author]

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