Janine’s Dungeon

[Janine Dee]

While I had this idea earlier it was Lover's suggestion to have a SM party here (since AChat doesn't have that programming yet) that finally made me decide to get going on the idea.

This is a place for what I will call “serious” BDSM. While I will not tell you what serious is exactly I will say if you want to figure out what serious is then you are in the right place.

Because one of the deeper truths of BDSM is that individuals define what it means. There will always been those who say it should be “this” or it should be “that” but they are the same types who declare bisexuals are just confused. Or that lesbian's are supposed to have short hair and not wear make up.

This thread if for people to explore what it means for them. All I ask is that we follow the acronym R.A.C.K. Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

Normally that means things like learning about carpal tunnel before deciding how to bind a wrist or learning someone is claustrophobic before you confine them. Here it's closer to the golden rule of doing onto others as you would have them do onto you.

This can be a place for fantasies but I would also like people to feel free to have BDSM discussions, and with that in mind I will start with a discussion topic.

***

I have had more then one submissive tell me about “the fantasy” of BDSM and how the reality doesn't seem to pan out.

It doesn't, it won't, it can't. As soon as a fantasy gets outside of your head and starts involving other people you have to make allowances for them.

In one case on AChat, and one case in real life the problem was that the submissives somehow expected me to KNOW what they wanted and give it to them.

I had one of them call it “Proving my Dominance.”

The problem was that I have a fairly decent repetiore of play styles available to me, and since neither one of the girls were willing to give me any ideas it was pick, and choose, and pick and choose, and see/hope she liked it.

And it VERY quickly grew frustrating, and I wasn't able to enjoy myself at all.

See their fantasy has the Dominant able to know exactly what they want and exactly how they want it, and able to give it to them perfectly without them having to say a word.

The reality is however that I can't pick those thoughts out of their mind and I have to figure things out the best I can.

Yes, it means I can't be the Domme of your (literal) dreams, I need you to tell me your fantasies and desires as much as I would need you to tell me about that carpal tunnel or claustrophobia. THEN I can go to work, THEN I can “Prove my Dominance”

It's no different from laying on your back and expecting a vanilla partner to do all the work otherwise, or a chat partner to type up everything while you umm and ahh.

[sinnnn]

This is how I see it, someone else might see it differently.

I always believe that the submissives really have all the “power/contol” in the bdsm. The submissive is actually teaching me about him/herself.  Together we are exploring our limitations, what we like, don't like and what we can handle. If you don't listen to your subs needs, then your not a Dom but a bully.  Before you can be a Dom, you have to learn to control yourself.  To understand what you truly want, to understand your limitations.  Subs are like pets, you listen to your pets needs, you find out what they like and don't like.  If something is harming your pet or making them afraid you find the cause and make it stop. 
  I also learned that bdsm has levels.  When some think of bdsm they immediatly think of restaints, whips, humiliation, the extreme.  Again bdsm has levels.  You can be a Dominant and never had tied someone up in your entire life.  So when you think of bdsm, its not always about force, bulling or the extreme.  Myself, I listen to my submissive and I follow their lead(like I said they have the power).  For example:  I have a sub who likes to be humiliated, another(guy) who likes to be humiliated, tied and strap-on, and another one who likes to be Dom gently(forceful) but gently.
The submissive is actually teaching me about him/herself.  Together we are exploring our limitations, what we like, don't like and what we can handle. 

[Janine Dee]

I agree completely. Where I was going with my argument is that the submissive needs to remember they should be as active and important part of the scene as the Dominant.

Yet I have heard submissives state that they figure they just need to submit and Mistress/Master will take care of the rest.

And since AChat's format is so geared towards that kind of communication it seemed like a good topic to start with.

[sinnnn]

Oh I understood where you was goin with it.

As far as I'm concerned submissive doesn't mean stupid.  If you think a dom can read minds an KNOW what you want, then you shouldn't be a submissive.  Because that will just make you a victim when you run into the wrg type of Dom.

[Janine Dee]

*sigh* All too true, and yet I remember my jaw dropping when what I had thought was a fairly intelligent submissive tell me how she met a Dom, and let him take her to his place on their first meeting. Didn't call anyone to tell them where she was going or anything.

So Janine's Safety Tip #1. Always have your first meeting in a public place. Many BDSM communities have what are called “munches” where you have groups of people who are all in the Lifestyle. They are great because it can be nice to have a group of people who all have their own kinks and fetishes, but they are also a place where you can meet a new Dominant/submissive.

If that's not an option for you it still needs to be somewhere public. Sure they may have seemed wonderful online, but some of the most skilled predators often are. The horror story I heard from my Mentor was of a woman she knew who followed a guy she met online to a hotel, and after she let him tie her up he raped her, for hours, and so violently she suffered permanent physical damage (colostomy bag).

Safety Tip #2. Let someone know where you are going. While the submissive I mentioned up top managed to come out okay, the horror story I mentioned obviously didn't. You don't necessarily need to use words like Dom and sub when setting this up with a friend since in this day and age people meet on the net all the time. Just let them know where you are going, and do not change from that plan. Preferably at all  since someone could give wrong addresses and the like, but at least call with any changes.

A subsection of that is the safety call. Set up sometime with the person who knows where you are going to call you. You say one thing they know you are all right, you say another they know to call the cops and have your last known location to give them.

It may seem paranoid, but it does happen, so don't let it happen to you, because those who are worth your time will be understanding of those safety measures. Those who aren't are those you should be worried about.

[sinnnn]

Its sad when you have to tell ppl something that should have been knocked into their heads as a child.  My survival instincts is beyond the normal limits of  humans, no one had to tell me that.  Its instinct.  Being a sub does not mean make yourself a victim.  Safety first, your safety. 

I really don't have to say much, Janine as always said it perfectly.  One reason why I never wanted to be a teacher, don't have the patience.

[Lover]

Janine, everything is right. You also said one sentence that is basically important for all dates with people you know from the internet:

Sure they may have seemed wonderful online, but some of the most skilled predators often are.

[Janine Dee]

It translates well. The problem is that the skilled predators are quite good at convincing you to lower that guard “Just this once”, and doing so in a way that will make you feel bad for telling them no.

For me however I consider it a sign I'm dealing with someone worth my time. When I think of the qualities I look for in a submissive I want to her value her gift of submission. To see herself as a gift that I earn as I earn her trust. If I don't have to “earn” her trust she goes from a  treasure to those door prizes everyone gets.

I want her to want me, not just want someone to knows how to swing a flogger.

[sinnnn]

A Master's Creed
~ The Dominants Creed ~
* Above all else a Dom cherishes Their submissive, in the knowledge that the gift
the submissive gives Them is the greatest gift of all.
* A Dom is demanding and takes full advantage of the power given to Them, but knows
how to share the pleasure that comes from that precious gift.
* A Dom is in control of Themself first and foremost, so that They may control others.
* As a stern and demanding Dom, They can cause Their submissive to cry real tears.
* As the consummate lover, They will then kiss the tears away, without stepping out of character.
* In times of trouble, a Dom will leave the roles behind, to be a supportive friend and partner, never
forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two caring individuals.
* A Dom is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality.
* A Dom would never ask a submissive to put Them before their career, or family,
just to satisfy Their own pleasure.
* To win a submissive's mind, body, spirit, soul, and love, a Dom knows They must
first win their trust.
* A Dom will show Their submissive humour, kindness, and warmth.
* A Dom must always show them that Their guidance and tutoring is deserving of their
attention, that this is a person they can learn from, and that they can trust Their direction.
* A Dom is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, They
will fight for Their submissive's honour.
* A Dom proves to their submissive that They are someone they can lean on, and
depend on.
* When it comes time to teach Their submissive their lessons of obedience, They are a
strong and unyielding professor.
* A Dom will accept no flaw. Nothing less than perfection from Their student.
* Never does a Dom use discipline without a good reason. When they do punish Their
submissive, it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand.
* A Dom is always open to communication and discussion; always ready to hear Their
submissive's wants and needs.
* A Dom is patient; taking time to learn Their submissive's limits, and knowing that as
their trust of Them grows, so will they.
* A Dom never has to demand ritual behavior from Their submissive. Their submissive
responds to Them out of the want of pleasing them. Compliance comes from the wanting
to please, not the fear of punishment.
* A Dom understands the fragile nature of mind and body and never violates the trust given to Them.
* A Dom is secure enough to laugh at Themself and the absurdities of life. Open minded
enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow.
* A Dom's tools are mind, body, spirit, soul, and love.
* A Dom understands that E/each partner gains most from pleasuring the O/other.
* And B/both of T/them know that love and trust are the only bindings that truly hold.

[Anonymous]

Sinnn, that was beautiful and I feel applies to many facets of our lives, not just this…

[Janine Dee]

I know that the characteristics that mark me as a Domme were natural parts of my personality before I ever knew what a “Dominant” was. I had them even before I came out of the closet. So for me expressing my Dominance is simply expressing my innermost traits. So much of it is simply inner qualities being codified and set down so those who come later can benefit from those earlier works.

When one starts codes and credos are essential. Domination can be an amazing rush, and in the haze of that rush it's easy to loose oneself, but as you go, and as you grow… well the best way I can put it is that while Sinnnn's post of the Master's Creed was beautiful it was also sort of a “Well Duh” moment to me.

Each statement was true, yet not something I really need to think about.

For me it boils down to responsibility. It's not a very popular word these days, but it is at the heart of what Dominant's do. Responsibility for themselves,and for those who put themselves in the Dominant's care.

All the tools and toys are just that. They are no more the purpose of BDSM then a car is a destination.

[Ironman33]

All you can do is reply to me so I can bring you along as you must do. If you want to be part of this, then you must cinsider what I have to offer, which is leadership in the undiscovered territories of your pleasure. Don't be afraid. Talk to me.

[Janine Dee]

Ironman dear, I would suggest that you start by introducing yourself. Maybe telling a little about what you feel dominance is, or what you are looking for in a submissive before you actually start promising submission. One of the more valuable lessons I've had as a Domme is that I can be a perfectly fine Dominant and a girl can be a perfectly fine submissive (or a boy, but not in my case) and we still may be incompatible. There's no fault, or blame, just a natural part of the communication essential in BDSM.

[sinnnn]

Now you know why I put that Creed up.  Somethings come natural to us few gifted ppl and others need a guide.  They tend to thinking Domming someone means being a bully, pain, lame as orders and a cool leather outfit.

[Janine Dee]

Now Love, I like to give some benefit of the doubt. That's why I first like to reach out to teach, so I can give them a chance to learn how to fully embrace, and enjoy Dominance.

[Author]

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